I have been noticing a lot of divorces and break-ups lately. These tend to be rough moments in our lives when we do silly things like make cryptic Facebook posts, have pity parties for ourselves and talk out of our asses way more than normal. Love is a tricky emotion because when it fails, it's counterpart is hate. It's hard to let go of something that had us emotionally invested, we carry-on with the hate when the love is gone. In most cases we feel like we lived for this person and without them, we are nobody. Our lack of identity leaves us feeling empty, hollow and lost. I know...I know... break-ups fucking suck, so here's a little unsolicited advice from a fellow survivor...
Don't hate them for this.
Live through it, to the best of your abilities. Be wounded and vulnerable. Try your very best to not project these emotions, but rather experience them. Learn and let your soul grow. It's not about recovering the person you once were, but living as the person you are today. I assure you it's not selfish to focus on yourself, especially at a time when you need it most. Explore the darkness.
Leave your pride in the burning wreckage of your relationship and be humbled. The world will always be yours even when you're not sharing it with someone else. Admire the little things, always. A perfect cup of coffee, a flourishing herb garden, the sound of rain on a tin roof, the aroma of fresh-baked banana bread, puppies, hugs, sunsets, good music and holding the door open for a stranger are among the countless "little things" that truly deserve your attention.
You must embrace your lows as much as you celebrate your highs. These positive and negative experiences are the foundation to how you relate to other human beings. Minimize your social life during the low moments because the energy you transfer to friends and loved ones will eventually become toxic. Forgive yourself for detaching and know that it's for the sake of preservation. Genuine friends will understand this much better (rather than dumb drunken tirades about your ex-lover...), trust me.
In fact, getting drunk while emotionally bottomed-out is extremely counterproductive. There is no sense in feeling depressed and attempting to drown it with a depressant. This can easily push good people out of your life, but for some reason the booze won't let you see that. You actually have the drunken nerve to resent them for keeping their distance. Find a way to appreciate the space they've given you to explore yourself. Remember, nobody else can make you feel better more than yourself!!
If you focus only on the fact that your pride is broken, your heart will never heal. Don't worry about what you did or didn't deserve in your last relationship, it's over. One of the greatest feelings in the world is falling in love. You haven't realized it yet, but you get this fucking amazing opportunity to feel those highs again. Maybe with someone who feels them the same way you do (even if they aren't the person you're going to grow with for the rest of your life.). Let the love you share teach you about yourself, fulfill your life and shine the light on your destiny.
Love unfiltered.
One thing is for certain, the love we share is the best part of who we all are.
This morning I read, 30 Of The Most Powerful Images Ever (linked at the bottom of the page). The photos captured the best and worst of the human-condition; all from different places and times. As difficult as it was, I pictured myself in each individual image. Though all of them were extremely powerful, a couple in particular drummed up some incredible personal emotions and insight. The capacity of vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experiences of another person is called empathy. The phrase, "..putting yourself in someone else's shoes..", is a figurative expression perfectly explaining it. That being said, I don't want you to understand my post today... I want you to FEEL it.
I am half-Jewish and damn proud of it. There has always been an ongoing debate about the differences of Jewish ethnicity and religion. This is arguable on so many levels, it's not even funny. Well maybe a little bit because most of the Jews I know, have a great sense of humor. Regardless, it's my heritage and I love it. I have in the past and will always stick up for the Jewish people in this world. Now let me show you one of the pictures that moved me, from the article I mentioned.
This is the inside of a gas chamber at Auschwitz (Nazi Concentration and Extermination Camp) - Poland
I saw this picture and my heart stopped, my eyes welled up with tears and an anger started to burn deep in the pit of my stomach. Some of my Jewish ancestors immigrated from Poland at the beginning of the twentieth-century. Though it's inconclusive, I imagine some of them stayed right there. If you can't tell what those lines are on the wall; they're fingernail scratches. They signify the final desperate actions of people fighting for just one more breath. As I stared at this photo, I started to think that some of those death marks on the wall could easily be from my own relatives' hands. Then I imagined myself clawing at the concrete, wearing my bloody fingertips down to the bone and praying for a miracle... suddenly I flashed back to sitting here in front of my computer, overwhelmed with helplessness.
BEAR JEW (photo not from mentioned article)
If I were presented with the opportunity to fight in that war; I would have done indescribably horrific things to the opposition. Let me put it like this, anyone that has watched the movie Inglorious Basterds remembers the "Bear Jew", right? What you saw him do in that movie, would've been just the tip of the iceberg for me. I would have been legendarily more cruel than Hitler himself. It's strange that we justify punishing cruelty with more cruelty; and of course we base that on the phrase, "Well HE started it!". This is one of those things where my empathy is getting the best of me and I am beyond grateful that none of this was my calling in life.
Sorry about that everyone. That was rather revealing, but as you all can tell it's a sensitive subject for me. In my past, I have literally been in fist-fights over my heritage. I don't go in search of these situations, but on a few rare occasions it has come to that. Most people are just being ignorant when they say something offensive; a few gentle words about their offensiveness and that brings them back to an embarrassing reality. However, some people take embarrassment as the ultimate insult and others are literally just full of hate. It's schmucks like this that are hard to walk away from because they will usually try to punch you in the back of the head. This is where the term "Jew 'em down" isn't about money to me, but about a Jew knocking you down on the ground. Plain and simple, it's just ridiculous.
These are the graves of a Catholic woman and her Protestant husband in Holland circa 1888
The picture above, to me, represents a very true form of love. They did not live by the status quo and they even found a way to stay with one another for eternity. When I saw this in the article, it immediately made me think of my failed relationships of the past. Those iconic hands holding one another made mine feel rather empty. Twice in my life, I have had a girlfriend's parent share with them their discomfort about me being Jewish. Which in turn creates a whole new set of challenges that I have never been able to overcome. The first time it happened, I chalked it up to being young. When it happened in my last relationship, I did my best to navigate through it. We never fully came back from that. My girlfriend even had the nerve to say, "I want my parents to like you.", but what was that supposed to take, going back in a time machine to prevent my Jewishness? You would think the people of the 21st century could let those things go, but I digress. In all reality, these women lacked compassion and empathy almost altogether. My own parents are very much a future version of this couple in the picture and I'm certainly never going to trade in who I am for anything.
According to the research at Hebrew University, there is approximately 14 million Jews on the planet. Which amounts to about 0.2% of mankind! The fact that my Gentile mother fell in love, married and had two sons with my Jewish father is absolutely incredible to me. This, even after both of them suffered the pain and anguish of divorce from previous marriages. Talk about overcoming some serious adversity in this world; they are an amazingly beautiful couple. They are the first to tell you that relationships can't always be 50/50; life happens and that can bring you down sometimes. They willingly communicate and prove their love by inspiring, motivating and supporting each other in their own personal quests. Also, they always make time for an adventure together. Just the two of them. I don't use the word cute a lot, but they really are the cutest. They may never read this, but I love the example they set for the world.
This where all of my good looks come from, right here!
Now I only used 2 out of 30 pictures from that article because they hit closest to home for me. They reminded me of who I am, where I come from and the infinite possibilities of my future. There are some photos in that article so incredible, you will literally lose your breath. They will conjure some of the most intense thoughts and emotions of your human spirit. They portray fatherhood, famine, appreciation, genocide, love, devastation, relief, commitment, compassion, happiness and tragedy (among other things.). This article was not for the faint-hearted. Personally, for me, it made my heart grow bigger. Anyone out there who does read that article and cannot put themselves in these peoples' shoes; this is what I have to say to you...
Those who typically lack empathy suffer from the woes of jealousy and envy. You spend your lives turning supposed loved ones into puppets for your own benefit. You are master manipulators, selfish with your emotions and have no regard for the people who move mountains for you. It's people like you that contribute to our decay. It's people like you that are responsible for a lot of the darkness we see in this world. It's people like you that force tragedies on others. It's people like you that make me glad to be me.
I'm just trying to speak up for my fellow half-Jews out there!
Being half-Jewish may have hindered me with others at times, but has genuinely taught me about appreciating love in itself. I certainly would not be here without it. Thanks Mom and Dad! The closet anti-Semites of the world used to hurt my feelings, but now are completely laughable. They can't be themselves because they can't stand themselves, it's hilarious. No matter what anyone wants to argue with me, I hold my heritage close to my heart. The Jewish people have thrived among adversity and fought against oppression for thousands of years. We have done great things for humanity and we love to coexist in this world. Back one of us into a corner though, you better be prepared to get all 14 million of us up your ass. SHALOM!
Scotty J ~ "Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit."
Yesterday, the person inside me died. Leaving nothing behind, but the shell of a man. My heart was infected by the loss of a woman's love, who I sought for many years. The last few months hollowed me out, I forgot who I am. I forgot how to live.
We ceased living together months ago and during those first few, I was strong. I ignored angry, threatening and sad text messages. The kind sent with hurtful intentions. My days right then were spent in the sun at my family's cottage. I've never felt lonely in the hot sun. The heat rubbed my shoulders and warmed my heart. The light always made my soul glow. I made new acquaintances as old friendships rekindled. Everyone came to visit me. We fished, drank, sat around the fire and got stoned. It inspired me to write and I applied for school. Life was good.
As the seasons turned, so did my attitude. I wasn't being honest to my heart. I broke down and responded to my former lover's "summer's worth" of texts with an email. I still had many feelings for her and let her know the messages she sent did not make it simple to communicate. She was my best friend and I didn't want either of us to be hurt by one another. We both let our guards down and began to text message back and forth. She made me laugh. My heart then slapped my brain and said, "Hey, are you awake up there? If you haven't noticed, we're in love. We could really use your help, man!". Unfortunately, my brain didn't take the kinds of actions my heart expected.
I still had things at our apartment that I needed to retrieve, considering I don't live there now. My grand idea was to drive forty minutes there, fetch my stuff and hopefully get to spend some time with her. It worked out great. We decided to go out for the evening, one thing eventually led to another and we had a "sleepover". I left the next day feeling high-spirited, even though the car was full of my shit from our life together.
Over that week, we lightly chatted and I was happy to have her back in my life. The week after was different. In an unconvincing tone, she told me that she just wanted to be friends and didn't want to carry on an intimate relationship. My heart dropped and knocked the wind out of me at that moment. Our conversation ended awkwardly and I hung up the phone.
After a couple of days, I wrote another email. My love for her is the truest I've ever known. I could never bare witness to her in the arms of another man. A real life friendship could not exist for me with her, under those terms. I poured my heart out and hoped she would reconsider working on "Her and I" as an "Us". A few days passed, no response. I was feeling crushed. I began making plans to get the apartment we have together off of my plate completely. I sent her a text and to my surprise she responded with concern. She even apologized for not replying to my email. I had caught her off guard and she did not know what to say. We planned to meet up and talk about it. My brain had the bright idea, to throw in there, that I would grab the rest of my stuff that didn't fit in my car the last time.
This week, I came to our apartment in the middle of the afternoon. It was nice to be "home". She had passed a test she was worried about for school that morning and we were happy to see each other. She asked me if I could explain my feelings about us only being friends together, better. It only took few words, but was difficult to spit out. I said, "If we can't work on us, I can't be your friend.". We sat on the couch and verbally disagreed, but our actions did not.
We made love, went out to our favorite restaurant, watched movies and continued to make love the rest of the night. We had coffee early in the morning and she gave me a kiss before she left for a class she was required to attend. I told her I would stick around to fix the headlight on her car and have lunch with her. When she returned, we curled up in bed one more time before running our final errands. We both felt amazing when we left the house.
At lunch, I finally asked her about a response to my email. She told me she didn't think she could try working on "Us", I lost my appetite. When we left the restaurant it was beautiful outside. Michigan's infamous autumn colors made it feel less chilly. We got in the car and she turned on her Pandora radio. The song that played was "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
I stared out the window and listened to the lyrics. He sang about true love. Just after a minute into the song he sings these words, "...but I know where I want to go. And so I thought I'd let you know, that these things take forever. I especially am slow, but I realize that I need you and wondered if I could come home..". I lost it right then and started to weep. All of the feelings I was experiencing were exposed with those few words. I cried like a bitch, it was not manly of me at all. She noticed quickly, placed her hand perfectly into mine, held it tight and cried right with me.
As the song requested, I made it home. However when I got there, I ended up grabbing the rest of my shit and loaded into my car. I told her I am sorry I couldn't be her friend. I also told her if she found the will in her heart for "Us", to never be afraid to let me know. She walked down to the car with me and we passionately kissed. I drove away as she walked up the stairs back to our door, excuse me, her door.
From there, I drove an hour to a friend's house and got drunk on whiskey. I ended up making an ass out of myself, put a strain on a great friendship and came back to the cottage. This morning I woke up, started writing and soon felt the bottom beneath my feet.
I've finally hit it, the bottom. After a summer of free-falling, I can finally stand. The future, for now, will be only mine. I still long to share it with my lost Love, and I know that may never happen. I am going to hit the road for a little while and be the man that I long to be. I once stated, "Living is fucking cool no matter the age.". Maybe my brain was right after all and just perhaps today is the "First Day of My Life".
~Scotty J. - That really says it all, thanks Mr. Fitzgerald.
There's no good feeling about initially breaking up with someone. That is, until you have a moment to reflect on the relationship. My girlfriend and I have had a few breakups throughout our time together, but have always found the means to get back together.
She had a daughter and a cat when we first started to date. We eventually became a family and, of course, added to the excitement with a puppy. As time had gone on in our relationship, less things brought me joy. We eventually just became roommates instead of lovers. We were even incapable of agreeing on what to eat for dinner. This is when we both had to stop lying to ourselves.
Last week we didn't break up, we broke free. She gets to live how she wants with all of her own terms and forever changing conditions (daughter, cat and puppy included.). It won't be easy. I will miss them all, but I certainly won't miss feeling like I'm never doing anything right for them. More importantly, for myself. I can no longer walk around with a heart full of fear.
I don't have a typical view on life. "Nonsense makes the most sense", that's just how I see things. I love fishing, art, music, things built from stone, urban exploration, fighting, cooking, eating, laughing and fucking swearing. I'm great at being silly and having a cow. Life deserves to be discovered everyday. I had completely lost sight of that.
One thing is for sure, I've always found it easier to capture the attention of a crowd than of an individual. Which makes me believe that I'm not necessarily cut out for the typical relationship. I love just putting "it" out there for everyone. I'm not hung up on personal discretion. (Now I do believe, when two people confide in one another, discretion is imperative. That is altogether a different situation.) I want to shower the masses with words and thoughts; laughing and making love to everyone. Hopefully someone out there will be inspired to do something great because I reached them. I'm not intending to be selfish, but I need the whole world in my life. From the terror in the Middle East to the majesty of the Great Lakes... I want you all.
I know there's a lot of people out there that think they want to be in relationships. They suffer from long lonely nights, thinking about someone special with whom they could share their life. Well guess what... the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fucking fence. I'm glad I won't be spreading unhappiness around my house anymore. I will undoubtedly miss them, but they will have a better life without me. It's strange coming to that realization, but for the first time (in a long time) I'm looking forward to my future.
So here's to us discovering life, making mistakes, using our hearts and finding our way. We have only a short time allowed here on this planet and we all deserve to enjoy the experience.
-Scotty J ~ Sexy comes in all shapes and sizes, and shame on you if you don't believe it.
